Scars

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel
~ Scars by Papa Roach

When I was in the second grade I hung out with a bunch of guys at Recess every day. We always played under the big yellow slide, playing "the dummer game" or just playing tag. One day we were having a dirt clod fight and Corey, my crush, was chasing me. He had a clump of dirt in his hand the size of mars. My head was turned around watching him come after me. Right as I turned my head forward I not only got pelted with dirt, but ran straight into a pole! To this day I have a bump on my forehead where the purple blood oozed. Every time I touch the bump I laugh a little and wonder if that's just my lil' devil horn trying to pop out.
***
M'glynis screamed and so I screamed back "Shut up! Shut up and do what I tell you!!!" My little sister cried and ran off, leaving me seething with rage. The next thing I knew Ryan stood, a full foot taller than I, eyes glaring down at me menacingly. Then, because I showed no fear to his threats, he punched me in the jaw. But he wasn't done yet. His leg shot out from the standing position. His rubber shoe burned along my upper thigh, which was not covered by my shorts. Three solid red lines were left along my skin, only as a reminder to respect.
***
Breakups have always been hard on me. I like to think they're harder on me than the rest of the world even though I know that's not true. I give my heart away so quickly and so freely that its just hard to keep safe. Alex and I had dated off and on for about 4 months. The end of our relationship and friendship came rapidly and out of the blue. We'd been on the phone talking and both decided it'd be easier if we waited until high school to see each other again. We stopped talking after he went with me to my 8th grade social at the end of the school year. Freshman year when we saw each other instead of talking we just went our seperate ways. We had two classes together and we didn't use them to our advantage. After the first week or so of school I realized that there was no way this relationship would ever pick up again. We constantly scrutinized each other, making the worst possible emotions come forth. After huge arguements and bickering matches one day I just broke down. I took a razor to my arm, not to kill myself, just to alleviate the mental pain. I wanted something that would remind me of him, remind me of us and what we had become. That was my fault and my stupidity, but it was my lesson all in the same. From then on I realized that boys impact my life and leave scars in ways other than the physical, ways that mean more and hurt the most.
***
It was the second home game of the season the night the "incident" happened. I was filming the Spain Park Jaguar Football Team for a television program that comes on for the school. We were playing Mountain Brook. It was nearing the end of the second quarter. I was taping, staring down into a little 2x2 screen watching the play. I was right up against the sideline, looking back on it now I should have scooted back further. The players were getting bigger and bigger on the screen, closer and closer. I didn't even think to worry, after all there were four camera-men to move someone out of the way in case they didn't move themselves. Without giving a moment of thought I just kept taping. The players still got bigger and seemed to be moving closer towards me, and yet I didn't move, I was too drawn towards the play. The next thing I know the camera's flying in the air and I'm falling, falling, falling. Everything blurs to slow motion and gets very bright. I get up just as soon as I can and a crowd of people are around me. "I'm okay." With a few pats on the back the games back on but I'm too dizzy to notice. "Um, Summer... I think you're bleeding" Rebecca tells me, oops I hadn't even noticed. We walk slowly to the bathroom and I wipe the blood off my chin. Well, that one scratch on my chin left a half inch scar and I now have the ability to tell people... "Well, I got tackled. I'm not kidding, by a player in full uniform. And I'm not even on the team!"